Recently, I was watching the movie “Nobody” for the second time and despite seeing it again, one particular scene aroused my attention yet again. In this scene the lead character Hutch was lying in bed alongside his wife. In between them was a pillow placed lengthwise and upright. Although this seemed like a small, soft and simple barrier to overcome, it may as well have been a 10 metre high brick wall because it clearly represented separation. The question plagued my mind, “how did it get to that?” How did a relationship end up with a divide? I want to explore the chasm that can occur in intimate and everyday significant relationships and offer some relationship pillow talk to help "tear down this wall".
The tale of this couple brought to mind a story of the millionaire turned broke businessman. When the millionaire was questioned as to how he could go from earning millions and being so successful to being broke. His answer was simple yet truly profound. He said, "gradually and then suddenly." This I believe speaks to the truth facing all meaningful relationships that turn emotionally bankrupt. It's the small, everyday unsupportive acts or neglectful non-actions accumulating over time that lead to a relationship deficit. Even a snail will end up crossing a football oval. Suddenly.
What can we do to broaden and build our most significant relationships? Whether it be our partner, parent, colleague, friend or child, here are at least three powerful practices you can do today. They are a result of numerous studies, discussion with clients, observation and experience. Full disclosure, I'm yet to master these practices however I value the connections they have helped me foster. We are all a work in progress. So, without delay, here are what I call the "3 P's of Robust Relationships".
Presence: Have you ever seen a couple, a family or friends in a social setting have their phones in their hands looking at the screen whilst having a semblance of a conversation? This is not presence. I call it the "Proximity Vs Presence" distinction. Being near the special people in your life is not necessarily BEING WITH them. Presence means all distractions are aside and there is an engagement of your time, energy and spirit. You may not always be speaking but there's no doubt you're there, with them.
I once heard a principle from the thought leader Brian Tracy, who said, "Children spell love... t-i-m-e". Could I be as bold as to say everyone would spell love the same way? Presence means the time is deliberately and intentionally filled with your heart-felt desire to leave this person feeling better having been with you. A tall order I know. But what better way to spend your precious resource when with someone?
Positive: Studies of couples at Gottman “Love Lab” have shown that enduring long-term relationships have a positive to negative ratio of 3:1. In other words, couples were measured for the expression of 3 positive comments for every 1 negative comment. Results accurately predicted divorce to 93% where this criterion was not met. Need any more convincing? Maybe our teammates, subordinates, children and siblings can't divorce us but if you could tally your score right now, would you fall short? If so, self-compassion will go a long way. Remember, tomorrow is a new day offering you a new ratio. Let's work those stats!
Proactive: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. This advice given by Benjamin Franklin was in relation to a fire-threatened Philadelphia. This wisdom transcends to relationships. The important people in your life deserve your attention in advance. Natural law teaches that nothing is a constant and even a strong partnership today needs maintenance to be enduring. Reactive relationship strategies are the work of amateurs. Be professional, just like you are with your highest revenue clients. Check in with them regularly. Send them something that holds value to them. Schedule time to meet with them. Write them a note of appreciation. Be creative, not reactive. Ask yourself: which of your relationships has been left a little unattended for too long? Start there. Start today. Even a small drop of a long-needed caring gesture or word has ripple effects in the heart and mind of the receiver.
The pillow talk of robust and evergreen relationships need presence, positivity and proactivity (amongst other nurturing elements). The connections between people never occur suddenly. They are built steadily, consciously and intentionally. A parting word: remember the relationship you have with yourself is also critical. Deconstruct any inner wall that prevents you from expressing the best of yourself with the precious life you have. Your best work is yet to come.